Busy
Man have I ever been busy. I have been busy pointing fingers, blaming others, dismantling my future, making waves, rocking in the boat and being a nuisance.

I also decided that evolution is possible. No, not the Darwinian evolution of monkeys to man, kind of evolving but more like becoming someone I did not want to be.

Over the course of my life and thanks to people in my life that I tried to fold my life into their desires I forced myself into someone I was not supposed to be. Let me tell you who I am first off and then I can describe who I became through a series of decisions and deliberate actions I took. Be fore warned, that this is not going to be pretty.

I was a confident, headstrong, faith filled, funny, articulate and opinionated woman.

Who I became. A sullen, offend able, touchy, unsteady, fearful and hermit like creature.

Why the metamorphosis? Once I lost my vision I sort of lost the best part of me too. At least when I could see things I could imagine that I fit in and that my quirks were somehow more desirable. After the vision loss I felt like an outsider and a less than person.

I let people’s opinion of who I was forced me to become who they said I was.

If I were honest I could almost pinpoint when the transformation started to occur. What was being said, who the people were that were saying it, and how my ego was bruised and tender just before the onslaught so the jabs were more potent. They held more punch.

Then someone I love came to my rescue and made a suggestion that helped to stop the blaming style that had permeated my house. Suggesting that I get out and try another track then the one I was on.

That is what I had boiled down to. A fearful, uncertain, wandering fool. I should have seen it coming but I never noticed it until it over took me and I heard my conversation that I was having in my head regularly.

In fact while talking with my husband I told him about an impending proposal and said that fear made me want to not consider the possibilities.

Since my vision loss I will say that things that go bump in the night have no more scare ability than it did when I could see. But since I lost my vision it seems that the traps that I am wary of now gap like jaws on the shark attack in the great movie by the same name. It swims out of seemingly nowhere and then grabs a limb and dives until you are drown in your own inabilities and debt.

When fear taps-taps at your door and instead of slamming it and saying a resounding “No thank YOU!” I would burst the doors open and say come on back in and rest a while, I have your room all made up. That was how I started to feel.

I used to think I was fearless but now I see that I couched those feelings and made them into easier thoughts than uncomfortable issues that forced real growth in myself.
Even in describing something to someone else I found myself saying “Ya, but….” And then trolling out a laundry list of excuses written clearly on my 3×5 cards that I carry for handy retrieval.

Hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth I am not going to blame others, cower in the unknown, and stay quiet and unengaged. I will do things even if I am afraid; I will attempt things even if they look insurmountable.

Blessings, Denise
From the writer of seeingdifferences.com
http://seeingdifferences.com/